It's an Angry Kind of Day...

I had to be "that wife" today...you know, the one that makes the phone calls to get other peoples' butts in gear. Yeah, that was me.  And I did it while I was angry.  Oh yeah, I did.

I had to put in a call to the Wounded Warrior Hotline, to fill them in on the situation here and find out what kind of help we could get.  You see, this "shortened" MEB process hasn't been shortened for us at all.  As a matter of fact it's been drawn out to the limits of regulation and still no orders, still no Stateside assignment.  We KNOW we'll be leaving, it's the when and where that has yet to be revealed to us.  Others that started the process before, at the same time and even AFTER Soldier did have received assignments and orders.  They know the when and where...we've yet to be told.  It's getting old and I'm getting pissed.

Top it off with the fact that Soldier has never heard from his PEBLO directly...ever.  Yeah, way to be on the ball there guy.  Soldier has called, emailed, etc and PEBLO whatever his name is hasn't bothered to answer directly, only through someone else.  Nice, eh?

So yeah, I'm angry.  And yeah, I picked up the phone.  Come Monday, there better be something or the update that'll be filed will get someone in serious trouble and it won't be us.

A Little Talk from the Trenches...

Go grab a cuppa...this could get long and rambly.

Soldier and I have been married 15 years.  15.  That's a long time.  A long time to play the game of 'give and take' with no clear winner.  But that's how it's supposed to be.  We've played the game both as civilians and Army.  We've played the game well, I do believe.  It's this experience that leads me to post this for my friends...you know who you are (and I'm not outing you).

These are the lessons I've learned from the game of marriage...from both playing it myself and watching how others have played.  Unsolicited advice...take it or leave it.

The cliches are true.  It's a compromise.  It won't work if everything is one sided...at least not happily.  I've seen those one-sided marriages, they are not nice or pretty or even livable long term without one, the other or both losing themselves and becoming a pale version of their former glory.  One person is miserable and the other is oblivious/selfish/just doesn't give a damn.  There must be a common ground for your plans/dreams to take root in...something more than just sex. (Not to demean sex but you do eventually have to do other things.)  That's where compromise comes in.

Flexibility is so very important.  You are either a willow (strong yet flexible) or an oak (solid and unyielding).  You may be dead set against something your partner wants (or visa versa) and that solid stance blinds you to everything good about them.  How dare they...how dare they ask you for that.  In all honesty, if you are that dedicated to those ideals...then you shouldn't be in a relationship that makes you feel that way.  And if you feel the time has come to let go...then for crying out loud, LET GO.  Do not cling to the thought that you can change them to your way of thinking...do not try to force them into someone they are not (you don't want it done to you...should they want it done to them?)...let them go.  Why would you want to change the person that you fell in love with so fundamentally?

Trust and faith in one another...vital.  You either trust each other or you don't.  Plain and simple.  You either have faith that your partner has your (as in you as a couple) interests at heart...even when it doesn't seem logically so....or you don't.  You trust each other to do the right thing and you have faith that you can carry each other through even the darkest of times.  Or you don't.

You kinda have to like each other.  No really, you do.  If your partner, the person you love and have chosen to spend your life with, isn't a person that you like...well...love won't make it.  If you can't imagine spending time with them as a friend only, will the next (insert how many years you want) years 'living on love' be something you want to do?

What ifs are stupid.  What ifs are trouble.  They drag you from the now and the issues at hand.  You cannot change the past (hey, another cliche!) and pondering the what ifs constantly casts doubt on every decision you've made.  Sure there are the what ifs concerning the future...those are fine to a point.  It's the ones about the past that cause you to falter and begin to question EVERYTHING.

Leave the past where it is because even if your partner says it doesn't bother them, it does.

Finally...try make choices you can live with and learn to forgive yourself for making ones that don't work out like you thought they would.  There is nothing worse than waking up and looking at your loved one 1, 5, or 10 years down the line then thinking 'what if'. (see above about what ifs)  You have to be responsible for your own choices and your choices as a couple.  I'm sorry...it's part of being a grown up, despite what you may have been told.

The Joys of Medical....

are not at all joyful.  The white board is FULL of appointments...pain management, ortho, plastics, ENT, Audio, Dental....the list goes on and on.  That's just for August.  Who knows what September will bring.

More hurry up and wait.

Good news on the homefront though...Tanker finally got out from under the flag that got put on him (illegally, btw) and is cleared for promotion.  Fingers crossed that happens soon, especially since he has to have it to re-up and change his MOS...should the Army decide he is in good enough physical shape after all of the above brewhaha to stay in.

Bleh.

I'm normally a pretty laid back chic, go with the flow kinda gal (for the most part) but I gotta tell you....this blows rocks.  This being the whole "will they/won't they/should we/can we" thing that is buzzing around the house at the moment.  This is insane.

Tanker is Home....

and not on R&R.

(Warning:  Rant below)

It's not the worst kind of news but neither is it the best.  For the past two and half months, we've been dealing with that ugly side of the Army that no one REALLY wants to talk about.  The side of the "leadership" that should never show it's ugly head...the side that doesn't believe a word coming out of the injured soldier's mouth and degrades him/her with every roll of their eyes and shrug of their shoulders.  Thank you downrange leadership for making the Tanker feel like he was less of a human being for having an injury (especially one that you can't see with your naked eye), thank you for your obvious lack of care for his well-being and thank you for reinforcing that deep held belief that only the best suck-ups get issues taken care of quickly.  Let's just forget the fact that Tanker is a good soldier, one that jumps when you say jump...one that doesn't get in trouble at the bars....one that does his job and does it well.

(Rant over)

Whew!

On we go...Tanker is waiting approval for surgery that will help strengthen the weak spots in his core and nix all the extra skin he's packing due to his 134+lb weight loss (so he could re-enlist).  That surgery should set everything right again and get him feeling more like the Tanker of old.  We hope.  In the meantime, Tanker is looking into not being a tanker anymore...ah, yay!  MOS change time!  (please note the slight sarcasm)  Not that I think it's a bad idea, I'm pushing for it.  Really, think about it....there isn't much of a call for Tankers in the civilian world and he will retire (or out) fairly young.  So, he's checking out the options for an MOS that will translate into something doable in the civilian world (ie medical fields).  I'm just eager to get the process started.

The past two months have been hell for so many reasons (excluding Tanker's downrange trials that inspired the above rant).  Our BN has lost too many already in this rotation.  One is too many.  Sadly, it's our reality that it has been far more than one.  With too many months left to go.  All we can do is hope for no more.

Hitting Home...

Today...this whole deployment thing hit home.  Today...the word WAR was said for the first time in this house.  Today...two families in our BCT had to wake up to the cold reality that their Soldier was gone.  Today...I robbed my children of a little more innocence.

Today was a first for me...I wish it was a first that I had never had to see.  The smack in the face that brought reality, ugly f'ing reality, into my home and forced me to have a conversation with my 7 and 5 year old sons that no parent wants to have.  I know, I know...they're military brats.  This is something they have to deal with.  Yeah, well shove that thank you very much.  I didn't particularly look forward to having to have the whole "Daddy's at war" conversation along with the "her Daddy won't be coming home" conversation.  It sucks.  Big time.

Yes, they knew Tanker was going someplace dangerous...but only as much as their little minds could stretch it.  Today they found out how dangerous.  I hated that conversation for what it was and why it was.  I hated the whole damn thing.  I still hate it.  I'll hate it tomorrow and the next day too.  That forced conversation that took a little more of my babies innocence away.

My heart aches for these families that I didn't know but did.  These women are my sisters on the homefront...my fellow Household 6's.  And I wish...I wish so many things.

Good or Bad?

Dear Tanker,

Today is one of those days.  The ones where thoughts of you pop up randomly.  It's a good thing, I think...but sometimes it hurts.  I miss you bad.  Nothing new there really, just another milspouse missing a piece of herself.  Normal functions continue but in the back of the mind there's the lingering thoughts of you and you being not here.  No resentment, no anger...just loneliness nagging at the edges of everything.  And apparently fear.

There was a moment yesterday, when I was worrying about an old friend and his family stationed in Japan, that the fear reared its ugly head.  I didn't realize it was fear until said friend posted on his FB page that he and his family were fine and safe...then the tears came...thank you fear for making me look crazy.  Guess it was a good thing I was all alone, the kids at school.  It wasn't just fear for my friend and his loved ones....it was fear of the unknown and the what-if's that apparently run through every milspouse's mind.  I hate those what-if's.  They suck.  They make me feel weak and helpless.  And we both know that those are my two most unfavorite feelings.

We all have our moments, I suppose.  But knowing that doesn't make the feelings any less.  I miss you Tanker and I love you.  I'll see you soon.

Tanker's Girl

A Little Rough Around the Edges...

that's how it feels tonight.  Stress piling up...emotional, physical, mental...it's there and the stupid crap just will NOT go away.

The youngest is sick and getting him into the clinic has been....well....interesting to put it politely, friends that I adore are having a really rough go, family issues back home (aka Stateside) and I think my brain just realized that this is not a 30-45 day field exercise.  At least it seems to only realize it late at night (like now) when I'm trying to wind down.

I'm at one of those weird points that comes along every once in a while (I've been told) during deployment.  Full of emotions, so full I don't even know where to begin the sorting process.  One minute I feel fine, then it feels like the tears are on the way, then suddenly a jump to that whole "scream and hit something/someone" feeling.  And I don't even have to think of anything in particular...Cheetos could set me off in any direction right now.  And no...I am not pregnant.

To make things worse, I find myself cleaning a lot...but getting nowhere with the cleaning.  The kitchen is a perpetual disaster area (damn that need to eat), the laundry never ceases getting dirty (damn that whole modesty thing) and I swear to whatever being thought it was funny to create dust that I will get revenge for all the sweeping and dusting and mopping that goes on in this house.  Let's not even start on trash, toy/dvd/Wii game pickup AND schoolwork.

Nope, don't even bring up the word schedule (thought and said in a British accent because it sounds better that way)...I have one of those thank you very much.  It stays full with things like FRG related training, appointments, meetings and the such.  I'm beginning to think the whole "stay busy" attitude is a crock.  I am busy and I don't like it!! (okay, maybe I do but I have moments of utter dislike for that red demon concealing a calendar aka the Book)

The upside to all of this is that eventually (I hope...oh please, please) I'll come to grips with it all without going totally insane.  Maybe.